Oh no - not in the milk...

OK, OK, I know it's been a while but I'm back in business.

After much consideration I have started an intensive NCTJ course at Brighton Journalist Works.

One week in I have a feeling it could be one of the most important things I'll do in my professional life.

Part of our training is to write a blog, so I thought I'd update you on my progress here.

I have promised a couple of times to write about Spanish swearing. This came about after reading Hemingway's 'For Whom the Bell Tolls', set in Spain during the civil war.

The book is obviously written in English and Hemingway uses certain devices to show that the characters are speaking Spanish.

He translates the rather rude Spanish phrase, "Me cago en la leche", as "I obscenity in the milk". It really means, "I shit in the milk."

Which is quite a bizarre thing to say, even in exasperation.

And if you think that's bad, here's the full version: "Me cago en la leche de la puta que te date la luz", which translates as, and anyone of a nervous disposition should look away now, "I shit in the milk of the whore that bore you".

Ouch.

Although Google Translate thinks it means, "Fuck the bitch's milk you light date".

And there's more. "Me cago en su madre" is "I shit on your mother, "Me cago en todos tus muertos" means "I shit on all your ancestors" - one can add the suffix "uno a uno", or "one by one", if this is just a little too tame - and a personal favourite is, "Me cago en Dios" ("I shit on God").

It gets worse - "Chupe mantequilla de mi culo" means "Suck butter from my ass".

Now - I like an insult as much as the next person, but the mind absolutely boggles as to how those words could've ended up in that order.

All of the above makes our English swearwords seem naive and positively anaemic.

But this doesn't make me like the Spanish any less - in fact, it makes me like them more: the passion of flamenco, the drama of the bullfight, and the staggeringly creative swearing.

Look further afield and swearing becomes something of an art form.

"Airy fe dameerak" apparently is Arabic for "My dick in your conscience".

"Grozna si kato salata" is Bulgarian for "You're ugly as salad".

And what better way to end than with some Finnish: "Kuse muuntajaan" - or "Piss into a transformer".

So if you're ever stuck when you really want to speak your mind, look no further than the above for inspiration.