Crack out the Cake

I won't paint a cruel caricature of the Conservatives - they do that just fine by themselves.

Just off the top of my head:

- George Osborne's Granny-bashing Budget, which will leave 4.41 million pensioners worse off by an average of £83 in 2013-14. Sales in Werther's Originals are expected to plummet.

- The drop in the top rate of tax from 50p to 45p in the Chancellor's Budget will grant earners of £500,000 a year an extra £1,431 a month - that's an additional £17,172 a year. Sales of bottles of Bolly are expected to skyrocket. 

- I need not mention the molestation of the NHS, but I will.

- David Cameron cosying up to Charlie Brooks, the horse-training husband of Rebekah Brooks, ex-News of the World and -Sun editor and -News International chief exec, who was recently arrested alongside her husband about alleged corrupt payments made by journalists to Ministry of Defence officials; Rebekah Brooks, who was loaned a horse by the Metropolitan Police; a horse on which David Cameron himself has trotted about. Reports that he described the horse as a "fine filly" remain unconfirmed.

- Similarly, the close links between Education Secretary Michael Gove and bum chum Rupert Murdoch, for whom Gove used to work, and whom he used to meet on the regular.

- The same Michael Gove who used special powers - not the flying or invisibility kind, sadly - to sack all the governors of a struggling London school, against parents' wishes, to be replaced with a board of his own choosing. One parent described the move as a "dawn raid you'd expect in an Eastern Bloc country."

- By the way, Gove labelled these parents as "Trots" and claimed they were politically motivated, rather than the outlandish idea that they might be concerned about their children's future.

- It was recently revealed that Cameron's, Osborne's and Gove's wet dream, Iron Lady Margaret Thatcher, also met Rupert Murdoch, a fact hidden from the public for 30 years.

All in all, the Conservatives do an excellent job of making themselves look very bad indeed.

But the true horror of their time in power has to be the ironing out in the Budget of "loopholes and anomalies" in the VAT system, meaning hot takeaway food from the supermarket - such as rotisserie chicken and pies - will now have VAT applied, as will bacon- and sausage-rolls.

Greggs has taken a stand, speaking out strongly against the decision, blurting, "We do not believe that our freshly baked savoury products should be subject to VAT and we will be making strong representations to the government regarding the proposed changes."

Paddy McGuinness was said to be inconsolable at the news.

Also, VAT will be imposed on chocolate-covered biscuits, considered a luxury - but, to finish on a positive, would not be put on cakes, considered a necessity.

Bring out the fruitcake!